It is a wet and rainy night, as I look over the open space between my desk and the window that separates me from the storm raging outside , I compare the storm raging outside of me with that which rages in me, and wonder which I prefer; memories of childhood comeback; running around in the village while it rained, and my grand mum of blessed memories, screaming her lungs off asking , threatening, and ultimately pleading with us kids- my cousins and siblings to come back in so we don't catch our deaths, oh ! how I love, and miss my childhood, doesn't mean I don't love adulthood, however the complexities, the war is ultimately against life it self, but its the small skirmishes that wear you down; teenage, oh teenage my mind tells me not to even go there, and I wonder as I remember what those years were like; rebellious, reckless, but somehow I managed to keep the boundaries sacrosanct, now I must manage my 3 teenagers; actually 2 and half, the half if you ask me is more an older soul than the first two.

As I sit here listening to Ngibambeni, from Sibongile Khumalo's Immortal Secrets album, I remember the night I had to have the dreaded conversation with my budding daughter; acne, pubescence, cleanliness, boys and sex, it took me weeks of talking to my female friends; mothers and single girls alike, I scoured the net to find appropriate words to say to this child;  so exited about breast getting bigger, and saying finally I can have something worthwhile to contribute while we talk in school; for all I had heard over the months preceding this was how she is the oldest by months, and the last waiting for her period, I was filled with pride and joy, that coming forth is a woman, a lady, an individual, and promised myself I must do right by her; by them all.

Anyways, we eventually talked generally, and warmed our way down the road less traveled by a lot of parents; for those mums and dads who venture it, it is discussed such that both the dad/parent and child walk away more confused than convinced, needless to say; a quick short prayer for the right words to explain, and we settled in, et voila! my baby had info, was my discovery, so it turned out to be more a myth buster than talk, though a lot more shared; we delude ourselves that these kids do not know, with the coming of the age of infotech, parents are the worse off, mobile phones with WAP and what you hide from them is a click, and icon away, would you rather play catch up or play along.

A fierce conversation rages still between lightning and thunder, and so rages my internal battles, should I, or should I stew in it some more, as I have come to learn; all answers to life's questions lay deep in us, we only need be still, and ponder to find them, gosh! I love music and the saying that music is an international language- this album says it all, clueless I am about what she croons, however there is here now an eurythymic, I want , no I desire a session of catharsis; mind willing body not ready to deal with the out pouring, what the heck is going on?

I do not see the release happening tonight, I shall pray and look forward to another time and pray I find the release 

What Dad will never know.....

it was 06:07 when I reached for my work mobile, I rarely ever get calls on it so early in the am; shoo.. missed the call; flicked through and realized i'd missed quite a few call, " has there been an accident/incident worthy of news for which I must know?,

A new call came thru and I listened"....unconscious... tried to revive...hospital...died, morgue"....Snap! flashback... last few weeks.. I have always felt misunderstood so, when I get an opportunity to let "Perci"be known better I usually take it. long and short of the opportunity was another soul seeking acceptance and parental affirmation.. a brilliant and intelligent soul, wise beyond her years yet seeking what she already had...where did our souls cross? well in the battle field called life..

I grew up not knowing my dad till I was ten, even then he was known from afar, for being a "love child", everyone knew who the baby daddy is except except "his" wife, though she suspected, his family made it a point to shield the truth from her, till she stumbled on a letter innocently written by a 13 year old..et voila! chicken finally came home to roost.. and four yours after,  though I had moved in and been integrated, I bottled a lot of resentment for him...flashback!........child meets a boy, innocently falls in love and defies all that is holy and sacrosanct, and for this she paid huge price; partial ostracism, "volenti non fit injuria" you'd say..shut up! have you ever loved or been in love that you'd defy your family?...Ten years, and as she shared this deep hurt, a heavy burden was alift off her heart and soul.. what can I do but offer kind but practical words from a dad's perspective, but also from the angle of one who suffered a traumatic adolescence: , I could deeply connect and identify with her.

I shared my childhood as well, so I urged first by asking what would happen if she lost either of, or both her parents, with so much love unexpressed, you should have seen her beautiful eyes bulge in absolute defiance, and her words were in sync as well" God forbid, there is still soo much I wanna say to them", and I in my cynical nature, asked her what the panacea to this malaise would be in her mind,.... all I got was "I can't Perci, my dad and I don't talk, he knows it all, and I need to show him he is wrong this time", " who died and made you god to apportion guilt, blame or mete out punishment". next Morning I received a devotional that was so profound, I immediately sent it to her..." a broken and contrite heart.....", gave her  call and talked about it, David a la Uriah scenario and parable of the prodigal son

We agreed to step at a time...me helping her understand that vengeance is mine saith the lord... and with that she agreed to go extend the Olive branch... my fear was what if the dad suddenly died, it would ultimately crush  her...convocation was last Wednesday 16th November, I got a text" I spoke wif my dad, jist you later", convocation went well, got a call from her" walked into my Dad's office, he immediately formed busy, but I went ahead and spoke, he listened, when I was thru , he bashed me for leading a destructive life, and being a preacher man's daughter haven't lived up to his expectations...I told you I shouldn't have gone"..Then he asked her what next, since she's done with her master's degree.. she shared her plans.. I asked if she invited him to her graduation,  she did and he accepted to show , however for whatever reason did not show...It is progress from where we have been the last 10 years.." God has way of humbling one", I said to her, and we moved on to the next plan, she arrived Lagos on Thursday and I urged her to send him text that she'd arrived safely... grudgingly she did, he responded..cold , but a response, which is a quantum leap...one wouldn't believe they are daughter and father...We spoke some more on Friday and as I was so busy on Saturday pm, I got a call asking why i'd gone under the radar, we laughed, talked on  a more lighter note, faffed around and I rang off....death in the line of work has happened only once; 5 years ago and I dare say lost to memory till I got the call this am.......,

I am here wondering" what is going through her father's mind", for when he came to where the remains laid, he did not even venture near, an embodiment of calm and confidence, her brother who came with him could barely stand, and her face....as I looked in to her eyes in death, filled my mind, eyes open, yet deep in death saying, "why now, but alas! i'm free Perci, free at last"... a light soul...what and how will Dad deal with this when solitude sets in......

...and she died.. from a bad fall, must have been sometime in the middle of the night but she was only found at 4amish, when I got the call and flew back to Lagos, it all seemed like a joke, very surreal,.. I focused on the clouds and their formation as we cruised @ 33k feet... and in the seeming field of blossoming cotton .. there was a single light cloud floating in the opposite direction... I called out her name, hoping it would slow and acknowledge my voice....it just kept going........

I have known pain and I have known losses of dear ones: my mum and bosom friend.. it always cuts deep when ever it hits you again, the pain comes anew......

Good night Esther, sleep tight...1983-2011......                                              

Friendships with benefit

...have you seen the movie " Friends with benefits".. starring Justin Timberlake? well I only just read a review about it and coincidentally was in a conversation with a dear friend and it was mentioned, I thought I was the only Naija who'd heard the term, I was glad and relieved all at once....crazy thing is, it may be a new term, however the concept is as old as I can remember...I actually first heard the term used in Boston Legal; colleagues in the firm having a triangular though independent friendship with benefits...

Basically two people who have known each other for a while or have been acquaintances of sort; work colleagues, mates, neighbors,and they agree to unemotionally have a mutually rewarding friendship; movies, dinner/lunch, party if need be, sexual gratification ultimately being benefit of the arrangement, yes! arrangement, as this is what you mutually agree to, simple innit? errr..I don't think so...

Well! "life is what happens when you busy making plans" John Lennon.....not easily achieved, evidences show that more often than not, complications arise...going by the movie-it ended happily ever after, however in real life, reactions have ranged from love, to hate and in-between; broken hearts- his and hers alike.. and fingers burnt.. what is so difficult about sticking with the agreements reached at the outset?

Question then is, why must sex come and change everything? why cant we just be friends and reap benefits thereof?

Share your thoughts please

.....and we made up

nothing as annoying, as an arrogant woman who refuses to accept when she's wrong, even more annoying than that is, one that pontificates when she I realizes her folly..

It was a Monday morning, 4.45, just stepping into the shower after a forty minute workout; squats, bench presses, and crunches, the price for longevity, and often touted as panacea for arthritis and a few old age maladies, for me, it was more vanity; why shouldn't I?  I think often, I actually look at men with beer belly as gross, even worse, mental aspersion I cast on the ones relatively younger, anyways, showered and was all dressed, and ready to leave at 5.27 alas! my girl still foot dragging, I hate to wait really, reason we have an alarm, and the unwritten rule during the week is, if I'm driving; which  I really have no qualms doing, I'd really like not to be delayed, this is the third time, and day in row, my lava was slow boiling and quantity building..5.55 we hit the road..of course the traffic had built some, " hun am sorry" I ignore, thinking" why must I bear this? how insensitive can one get, so I slowly rip, in retro by the way.. citing examples and reasons why we need to settle for staff bus, and know we either get there or drive, but I won't do drives anymore after this, so a fatwa is issued; notifying discontinuance, a huge argument ensues, not how I like to start my week, so I lock down...I had never been late to work until I decided to give this live-in thing a go..needless to say cold war set in.

Fast forward, Friday night, not a word, house becoming a minefield, It sucks to not be able to engage, so I make up my mind to be the fool and extend the olive branch, how about a movie it's Friday night no rush to get home? I'll pass..mtschewwww! see me wahala o, fuckitt I thought, who cares, I'll drop you at home, change and hit town with my boys, I thought, unfortunately traffic was baaaad, got home three hours later, by which time I'd made up my mind, live-in ends tonight.. so off went the tie, closely followed by my shirt as I walked back to my turf: the guest room, shoes flew off one after the last, as did my trouser, what are you angry about, and is this worth all the energy? These were thoughts that flashed through my mind, and a sudden calm fell, "seek first to understand, that you may be understood" resonated...teachings from past Buddhism class.

I sat for what seemed an eternity to clam down, and collect my thought, I love Ai, at least enough to walk/work through this, the more you let the anger fester, the wider the vacuum, and more difficult it is to bridge, as I thought of a re entry plan, Ai walked past my door, for next to my room is the pantry, oblivious of me; by the way! she took ignoring me in my funk, to a scientific level, anyway, as she turned from the pantry to walk away, whatever it was she went to get dropped, in an attempt to pick it up, she lost her towel, amazing reflex, as she scooped it back up still oblivious of her silent partner,       and continued like nothing happened, meanwhile in that flash, was a flash....a silly smile cracked, and peace-absolute peace, and a new resolve settled in...

I gave her a few minutes, which also seemed like an eternity, and proceeded to the master bedroom, with each step increased my heartbeat...I'm standing there watching Ai singing as she lathered herself, the heat from the shower slowly but surely enveloping her, filling the air also was sweet coconut oil, mixed with honey and Shear-butter oils.. as she sang the steam rose, in the obscure view, I saw the curves, and delicate features, of her 5'10 in straight glory...full firm 36C cups, sashay as she danced to Sade's song, oblivious of my presence, yet taunting, and seductively though, unspoken daring me, urging me, needling me with each stroke of the sponge, ...Sade still somewhere in the background crooning" there was a quiet storm building, "Innocent " my third member started heat seeking...

when I stepped into the shower it was all hazy and cloudy, "innocent" homed in, my heart palpitating, I reached out, and gently brought Ai home to cradle her head in my chest for a long hug, she first was still...defiant, then she broke down.. gentle sobs, I let it flow...then I lifted her face, looking into those big brown eyes of hers, and realizing how lucky a man I am, eyes lock and a new beginning was unspoken, yet agreed as lips lock, slowly I take her lower lip, and she, my upper, we massaged the other's slowly, me standing there drenched in under-vest and boxers,..as we kiss, warm waters cascaded our bodies, and we, now one lost to our senses, as our need for the other engulfed;  I  cupped her breasts, and  and massaged them, she leaned in to me urging as if to say, take this burden of me please, lips locked, as tongues engage in a long deep exchange of notes, from the light above I could see as I stepped back to admire her,  and all that I almost stupidly gave up, her fair skin aglow in the light, brighter than light, her nipples, brownish pink; engorged and looking like olive pits, I take one nipple in mouth, and gently nibble it, she spasmed, and brought her head in close like a mother suckling her babe, while I twiddled the other, her head thrown back in submission, as I sucked and nibbled...

...her back to the wall as I slowly ran my tongue down her midsection, as I head down south she in union with me spread, to allow for ease of access.. a few stops on my way down,  and on arrival Francois Clitoris was present and waiting albeit impatiently to meet me, as my tongue hit, Ai lets out a gust of air, and I on my knee worshipped on mount Clitoris, passion built slowly  and I realized I'd not invited Gerhardt, so I headed to the spot- Ai writhed, whilst urging I disrobe...

I turned her slowly face to wall -a bit of reluctance and resistance to protest the departure from. Gerhard and Francois, when she realized my cousin snoop was up, a smile cracked as I took her, in long slow dives, back arched one hand on the wall to steady as the other reached out in what seem a reassurance it wasn't a dream.."Innocent" at full mast and steam, all of it's own volition...she turns around lips in pout teasing, and urging me on as she swished and grind with each stroke of my dive...

we head into the bedroom, and the first obstacle was the dresser chair, she makes me sit, and gives Innocent slowly as she sat astride.. me sucking her breast whilst she slowly swing her hips, and alternates with grinds...I feel her cup my balls and give them a tight but gentle squeeze and she rides and grinds deeper, moaning as we both build in to a crescendo that bursts our dams....

....I live to fight another day

my best friend

She always thought I was too gay to be straight... she saw in me a man in touch with his feminine side, and always seem to appreciate and identify with a woman's side of things, what she fails to realize or may have failed to realize is, I have seven sisters; not the borough in London!  my siblings, anyways, I grew up around an environment filled with estrogen and driven by it, naked at first and and as we grew up half naked, till they realized oops! he's a man, I ceased being their brother, and they started fully cladding- bitches I thought, but hey! I love them still, and always will.

 I sat in on all their gossips, heck ! I even upgraded a school mate to friend status  cos he dug my sis; the wanker left her, well , reason you all hate us, so! my sisters and mum prepared me for a life of love with abilities, and attitudes of gratitude, I love women, I crave being around them, they give me a reason to live, a reason for life. I believe where men; at least most men get it wrong is, they are not patient enough, to attune themselves to appreciating the woman's angle of life, we are driven by ego, irrespective of the gender, however the women have to deal with hormonal driven issues as well ( read C.S Lewis ' book, Glands) you will understand better why women are the way they are, and it will help you as a person, deal with or manage issues. So the key words are patience and attention, these two I learnt from my childhood, however traumatic and crazy as teenage was for me, it's taken me a few challenges with relationships to reach back deep to my childhood to remember, and bring to the fore again, my sisters and mum; our relationship, and how they talked about their boyfriends and my dad; the great through the good to the down right nasty sides of men and their relationships.

I love a beautiful woman, I love a woman sure of herself and knowing of what she wants, a woman not so sure but having an idea of what she wants and where she's headed is worth growing with and investing emotions in.

My best friend told me all, we shared her heartaches and menstrual pains, her hot dates and lousy ones, her new bags and Jimmy Choos', and the more time we spent together and, apart the more apparent we were inseparable, oh! who is she you ask,...lemme describe my best friend...

1'75m, a calm spirit, the yin of my yang, subtle, deep beautiful, she reminds me of  city of Heidelberg in summer, green lush hills that reminds of God's promises of a life of bounties, river alive and flowing,  aglow like gold in sun, she reminds me life is worth living, by the simple things she does with intent, a good listener, a comforter, awesome sense of humor and how to apply it., why would any guy in right mind hurt such a being or say, I want out from a relationship, in the physical she is like Aphrodite...

So, my best friend was talking to me, and I kept saying this is the love of my life, this is whom I wanna be with till forever and eternity, I realized the panic attacks and my anger bouts had been borne of my challenge of how I let her I know I deeply care, and would like to make our relationship more than what it is.. I leaned forward and it was our first kiss, don't ask me what prompted the act..we both got giddy from it...slow... long, I took her lower lip, she has lips on pout eternal, soft not so full but adequate, soft like petals off a rose bud, each kiss held life, and begged for more, breathes deeps and slow I sucked on her lower lip while she massaged my upper one, and we interchanged, we clung to each as life was held, she leaned in, and I held her to the space we created, eyes opened to be sure each isn't in a dream, and as eyes closed they took down with them a deep need, muscles spasms heightening a mutual desire long harbored,  her hand cradling the back of my head, while both of mine held her waist, being a head taller; who cares anyways, only made it more intense, eyes aflame as I read her, her rights to silence, in the process I searched her; voice and eyes for doubt of purpose or intent and there was none, and we returned to where we started....

Shenanigans

I had a very hard and long week; crashed my car in the process of it all but hey! it could have been worse, how was your week?...

Yoruba would say "shina (sheenor)" word synonymous with philandering, i'd rather shenanigans. the moment we talk about philandering automatically the world thinks it's the guy, well is it!?

A lot of troubled homes and relationships out there, I stopped over at  dear friends place and all we talked about were sad stories of him/she cheating, and in the dark clouds there were silver linings of happily ever after as some found love, but in other places; so they think but hey! who died and made me judge... even my gay friends have a complaint or two, and i'm wondering where the world is going to..

I love and enjoy sex, hell yea I do, and my partner better have her groove on as well, but I don't do casual sex...Id love to see you in the red heels without your clothes; preferably red and 6 inches high, ....mmm

while my dear friend and I spoke, I ate and had cafe cognac and thought; what is life about; we grow, graduate, get employed , get married or live-in, have sex, complain about our sex, find alternatives which range from subtle to bizarre; self love, vibrator, new partner, turn gay or celibacy.. while we spoke I scoured the net, and came across mumsaloud.com the topics I saw all were shades and allusions to what i'd known, and heard from every crevice of life, seems the house is crumbling; poor communication above all, ego- not sure which should come first though, poor sex..oops! I meant no sex, complaints that we cum and go, so the women are pained, and the men remain irresolute in their seeming defiance. By the way, why cant't some men stay awake after cum?

I wasn't sure where to start with this piece, I was and  still am torn, don't want to come across chauvinistic or biased.. whats do people want really?; happy homes at what cost? happy lives? did you say they are one and the same? why is life or does relationships have to be so complicated I ask myself; heterosexual relationships are complicated, I shudder to think what being gay is like..

 we individually have our quirks and dysfunctions from our nurture however,  as adults, we should be able to work through these, and understand that if it can't be fixed, we should move on along and remain friends, after all it all started out in friendship, we shouldn't lose the friendship if we can help it.

I have heard of women who have slit wrists, guys who have committed manslaughter, suicides, and I wonder, why not just walk away, then I quickly realize as beings, we may not have been prepared to manage such situations.

Guys beating up women  they once loved or still love but feel the need to smack em back in line, damn! I smack my gal too, when I'm in the throes of passion, I only ensure I don't damage the package..

She realized it was enough, so she became docile and quiet, found succor in his best friend, and they all lived happily ever after; he found peace she found love.

We each make mistakes; why did I ever marry? Marriage is a beautiful thing, our differences should ideally be our strength, however we are locked in mental battles and emotional struggles. I love my girl friend, and I try to keep it simple so we don't get things twisted, I keep it simple and try to explain when I'm misunderstood, I love my woman deep and feisty, a ponderer, I prefer to remain cerebral.

Do we let the physical take away our deeper needs? how are we managing our expectations of our partner or would be one... I am a strong believer in the fact that African women are better nurtured than their male counterparts; reason the problem mostly seem to be attributable to the guy.

In boy, girl relationship, we seem to have perfect communication lines till we get married, so why does marriage come and change things? if you had a chance to make a change, what would you change? I listen as I write- a collabo Sergio Mendez and Jill Scott" let me", amazing how many lines and lyrics, poems and Odes have been written to, and about women loved and lost, in all my musings I guess I will revert to the teachings of the 'Prophet' by  Khalil Gibran on marriage, may be on my next sojourn, I shall get it right better...

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. 

Masculine Take: Gender Equality

Masculine Take: Gender Equality: Listening to all sorts on my playlist whilst I worked, and pondered what else to muse about, then from Jill Scott's collabo with Vidal Davis...